October 2017  
SMTWTFS
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031    
     
Upcoming Events
OCT

22

SUN
Morning Service
8:30 AM to 9:30 AM
Adult Sunday School
9:30 AM to 10:30 AM
Traditional Service
11:00 AM to 12:00 PM
OCT

24

TUE
Lasagna Dinner
6:00 PM to 7:00 PM
Lasagna Dinner for everyone before Charge Conference
Charge Conference
7:00 PM to 9:00 PM
Please join us as we take care of church business and celebrate our many successes this year. 6:00 p.m. Lasagna Dinner for everyone before Charge Conference
Our Charge Conference is set for: Tuesday, October 24th at 7:00 p.m. -- Everyone is welcome!
OCT

25

WED
Chancel Choir
7:30 PM to 8:30 PM
Practice
OCT

26

THU
Senior Lunch
1:00 PM to 3:00 PM
Join us Thursday, October 26th @ 1:00 p.m.
As we celebrate our seniors. A light lunch will be provided.
OCT

28

SAT
All Church Clean Up Event
9:00 AM to 12:00 PM
Saturday, October 28th
9:00 a.m. to Noon
St. Andrew’s needs you help to prepare our building and grounds for winter. We have a list of indoor & outdoor cleaning jobs to help us get our building clean and tidy and we need your help!
Please join us and pitch in, there are jobs for all abilities!
Bring your gloves & gardening tools, cleaners and towels. We have a few things available here, but if you like specific things please bring those from home
St. Benedict’s Community Dinner
3:00 PM to 5:00 PM
This is held at St. Benedict’s Episcopal Church. St. Andrew’s takes turns cooking and everyone helps serve. In conjunction with St. Benedict’s Episcopal (910 Bowker Street, Lacey) we serve a hot meal for the homeless and low-income people in our community. Come help set-up, serve, clean-up. If you would like for information please contact Rich Green (360) 943-9290.
OCT

29

SUN
Morning Service
8:30 AM to 9:30 AM
Adult Sunday School
9:30 AM to 10:30 AM
Traditional Service
11:00 AM to 12:00 PM
OCT

31

TUE
Quilters Group
10:00 AM to 2:00 PM
We'll be doing some sewing on the kits as well as making plans for future projects and meeting times. Join us for the fellowship and current projects-in-progress. Look for information on the next meeting date in the Sunday Bulletin and Weekly Devotional.
See you on Tuesday - Happy Quilting
Barbara Ullmann 360-491-2693
Next Meeting Tuesday, October 31st 10:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.
NOV

01

WED
Chancel Choir
7:30 PM to 8:30 PM
Practice
NOV

05

SUN
All Saints Sunday on Sunday, November 5th
Please join us as we honor those special people in our lives that have passed. Candles will be available on the Altar for you to light in their memory.
Morning Service
8:30 AM to 9:30 AM
Adult Sunday School
9:30 AM to 10:30 AM
Traditional Service
11:00 AM to 12:00 PM
Bible Search

Humor Corner

****************

  • What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?         A sour puss
  • You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.
  • Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
  • Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • Are part time band leaders, semi-conductors?
  • Diplomacy: the art of letting someone have your way.

**********************************

1.Time flies when you’re having fun. Unless, of course, you’re a frog.
2.I think, therefore I am. I think.
3.If you live to be 100, you’ve got it made. Very few people die after that age.

******************************

  1. I’m glad I’m not as judgmental as all those self-righteous,     censorious, stupid people here.
  2. Waiter, his coffee is awful.  It tastes like dirt.  Yes, sir, it was ground yesterday.
  3. A backward poet writes inverse.

******************************

1.         We couldn’t repair your brakes, so we made your horn louder.

2.         I can’t remember the last time I forgot something.

3.         No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

*****************************

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

***************************************

1. A beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

2. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

3. The job counselor said, “How about some volunteer work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do that if they paid me.”

************************************************

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

2. If Fed EX and UPS Merged, would they be FED UP?

3. Police were called to a day care center because a 3 year old was resisting a rest.

**************************************************************************
1. Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do.

2. Hay - Grass ala-mowed

3. Mohair - What bald men need

4. Selfish - What the owner of a  seafood store does

5. Vitamin - What you do when someone comes to you house

6. I can’t remember the last time I forgot something

*****************************************************************************************************

1. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating and  endangered plant?

2. If you throw a cat out of the car window, is that considered kitty litter?

3. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

*********************************************************************************

1. Your over the hill when in the morning you stand and hear the usual snap, crackle, and pop, but it isn’t your breakfast cereal.

2. If a tuxedo is evening ware, what is the suit of armor?  Silverware?

3. What clothes do you get for a house?  Address.

************************************************************************************

When my 3 year old opened his  birthday present from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He immediately headed for the sink. I was not so pleased and turned to mom and said: “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we drove you crazy with water guns?” My mom smiled and replied:  “I remember!!”
************************************************************************************

Did you hear about the terrible disaster at sea? A pink cruise ship collided with a purple cruise ship.   All the passengers were marooned!

The tragedy of the flea is that he knows for certain that all of his offspring will go to the dogs.

Make your spouse happy. It’s easily done. Remember their birthday but forget which one.
***************************************************************************

Here are some more of my travel plans:

1. I have been in Sane. They don’t have an airport.  You have to be driven there.

2. I would like to go to Conclusion, but you have to jump, and I’m not much for physical activity.

News Paper headline: “Ranchers Balk at Sheep Prices, Suspect Fleecing.”


***************************************************

1. Newspaper Headline - Ranchers Balk at Sheep Prices: Suspect Fleecing

2. My Travel Plans for 2014 - I’ve been in many places but never in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can’t go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with Someone.

     I’ve never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there. 

Stay tuned for more of my travel plans.

**********************************

1) A police officer stops a fellow for speeding and asks to see his drivers license. The fellow says, “I wish you guys would get your act together.” “Yesterday, you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you.”

2) The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

3) Sign at a Tire Shop:
Invite us to your next blowout.

What is the difference between:

A king’s son,                                         
A Monkey’s mother,                          
A bald head, and                                    
an orphan?

Ones an heir apparent.                    
The next is a hairy parent.           
The next has no hair apparent.    
The last has nary a parent.

**************************************************************

1. Beware when taking a magician’s exam!  It is loaded with trick questions. 

2. Sign in a Podiatrist’s Office;  Time Wounds all Heels

3. Sign at a Towing Company;  We don’t charge an arm and a leg.  We want tows.

***************************************************************

1. Sign in a Veterinarian’s waiting room:  Back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!

2. Why were the early days of  history called the Dark Ages?  Because there were so many knights.

3. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

****************************************************************

1. Sign on an Optometrist’s Office: If you don’t see what your looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

2. Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend.  Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

3. A pastor ordered 50 mice, 2000 ants, and few cockroaches.  The clerk asked why he wanted these items?  I’m    transferring and the Trustees said to leave the parsonage just as I found it.

********************************************************

1. A snail bought a new sports car with a big red “S” on the side.  As he drove around town everyone would say:  “Look at that little ‘S’ car go!”

2. Oceans never go out of style.  They are always current.

3. Archaeologist: A person whose career is in ruins.

***********************************************************

1. Used to be indecisive, Now I’m not so sure.

2. Is it me, or do Buffalo Wings taste like chick

3. A man was told he got the job.  It will pay $12,000 to start and $20,000 after 6 months.      Excellent, replied the man.  I’ll be back in 6 months.

 *******************************************

1.  The dentist of the year got a little plaque. 

2. How do you know the Invisible Man has no children?  Because he’s not apparent. 

3. No one could find the deck of cards.  They got lost in the shuffle. 

4. Wrinkles are hereditary.  Parents get them from their children.  

*******************************************************

 1. How do you fix a broken tuba? .......... With a tuba glue.

2. A bicycle can’t stand alone.  ............It is two tired.

3. When she saw her first strands of gray hair. ........ She thought she would dye.

4.To write with a broken pencil is,........... pointless.

************************************

A young man was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, “Who are all those men in the pictures?’

The usher replied, “Why those are our boys who died in the service.”

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”

*************************************

1. When fish are in schools, they sometimes...take debate.

2. With her marriage, she got a new name…….and a dress.

3. When a clock is hungry…...it goes back for seconds.

4. A will is a …..dead giveaway.

 ************************************

1."The dead batteries were given out free of charge"

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

3. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The attendant says I'm sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger

************************************

 

Contents © 2017 St. Andrew's United Methodist Church | Church Website Provided by mychurchwebsite.net | Privacy Policy